Chicago Freestyle

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Thinking what makes me...me 
And what makes you...you
I had more faith in people than I did for myself but that's no longer true
Looking at things from a different view
Trusting the old and very wary of the new
Will you do the things you're supposed to do?
Rarely ever hearing good news whenever I get calls out of the blue
Deeper than most, the ones watching over me would be proud how much I grew
If this all comes to an end and I gotta leave my airforce uniform behind
I have no regrets, I did all I had to do and helped as much as I could with my allotted time
Only with your eyes closed can you see the most real signs
Take a bullet for you? I would've been first in line
But people's agenda appear more clearly with time
Jealousy is deceptive and love is blind
Don't worry about it though, time eventually makes everything fine

Can't keep watering everyone else's garden and expect yours to grow
Sometimes it just takes letting a couple leeches go 
Who is bringing something to the table vs who is just for show
The darkness of my inner demons try to win every day but the good inside me continues to glow
Trying to figure out the secrets to success.... trying to keep all my goals in a row
Staying humble through the highs and being positive through the lows
Some will tell you what you want to hear but not everything they know
Trying to break through all my generational barriers, no time for me to go slow

Trying to stay in the present since the past memories seem better/worse than they were
Not sure what I expect, I just know it will be good
Isabell and I are always doing a lot more for people than we should
Doing our part and leaving out the rest
Anticipating every outcome since only our intuitions knows best
Entire family telling me not to stress
It's different for me though because I already have a long list of people I plan to bless
Grandma turns 90th this month and she says she still prays for me every day
We're both racing against the clock but in our on different way
Why do we rarely say what we really want to say?
I just hope you're really okay
We don't even process our emotions anymore, we just put on some sort of distraction and press play
Always hoping the person closest to us will stay
And when you choose to show them all the different versions of you...that they wont look away
Karma will eventually pay
Live your life in such a way, that your final replay will be okay

Golden Rule..

Heavy on the mind..
Weighing too much on the heart..
When there's so much unspoken history..
Where exactly should we start..
You're the better half of so many people..
Why is there always so much opposition for the ones who just want to be viewed as equal..

It's not your fault, the way you are..
And what I mean by that, is just how special you are..
People love to hate what they don't understand
They act like taking away their ability to do something is part of the plan..
You shouldn't feel as if you're a burden just because of your religious beliefs or if you're trans.
Why do they believe they have the power to say exactly what happens on our given land

Growing up all I heard about was the golden rule.. but I've rarely seen it exist
Put yourself in someone's else position..how would you feel if your choice of being accepted inside the armed forces didn't exist.
Ignorance is bliss..but that's only one side of the story
Ignorance is actually very painful if your on the other hand of privilege and what they call authority
You shouldn't be treated as a nuisance just because you're a minority
Understanding trans people isn't a burden, should be one of our priorities

Learning how to accept & grow from other people's differences should be a normal way of life..
Before you say something negative, look in the mirror and ask yourself does your response help worsen peoples chances...or help to make them right.

Beautiful Shame..

You reminisce on the days when time didn't just pass you by..

Your eyes have seen so much, it just keeps your heart wondering why..

No one wants to talk about the truth, so we're all just living a lie..

People don't understand the true meaning of missing someone until they pass away & you're forced to come to terms with a insufficient goodbye.

Learned to give up on certain people until they make the effort to try..

It seems sometimes we have to grow apart..

To grow together..

I know that's not always ideal..

But its better than sitting around waiting & wondering why..

You just wanna get high, I just wanna see us fly..

Fly above all the obstacles we weren't meant to get by..

Running out of options, what else is there for us to do..

Been believing you will prove us all wrong,but so far that hasn't been true..

It's the worst when you see something greater in someone,

But they're too blind to see it too..

Communication has been so thin,
It's like we no longer have anything to say..
Before we used to type so much those 3 little dots indicating someone is typing was always on display
Now all we see is 'message read' or 'seen' and we turn our phones away..
But I'm good accepting this is the way things were supposed to be..
It's been natural occurring thing to lose the people closest to me..
Learned through reading that no worldly possession ever truly belonged to me..

If we could go back in time..
Would things have ended this way..
The only regret I have in life..
Is not visiting her in the hospital..
Before they announced my favorite person passed away..
I think ever since that day I started to turn alot colder..
Maybe its a mix of that and simply just getting older..
Stopped doing everything for people,and learned to do things for myself..
Started removing anything or anyone toxic and discovered new ways to improve my mental & spiritual health..
A part of me is always hoping you would just break down & ask for my help..
That's a different story, for a different time..
I've written so many words,but there is still so much left on my mind..
I guess even after all these years, I still hate to see any one's heart get left behind..
You deserve to be loved too, I always had loyalty but finding real love was the hardest thing to find..

So many names I wish I could erase..
But everything has its time and its place..
After years of running, when you finally cant run anymore..
You'll start to see that no one is worth the chase..
Anyone who wants to be there, will be there..
And whoever doesn't, wont.
You don't need them as much as you think you do..
The only person you really need will always be the person staring right back at you..

And Isabell is always staring right back at me..
We use each others eyes & hearts to see the things we cant individually see..
It's funny how people start to switch up once they see your on the road to finally being happy..
I don't let it phase me though.. I know its all just a game..
They all want to compete because they want to feel the same..
I wish them the best.. I truly do..
People will do whatever it takes to get your attention..
When deep down they just want to be like you..

We're all just as much different, as we are the same
Always yearning to be loved, figuring out a way to numb the pain
One things for sure though, if I ever gave you a piece of me
You'll always feel a rush of emotions when you hear my name
It seems most of us are better as strangers than we were as friends
Such a beautiful shame..

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Thoughts From A Different View...

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Yearning for your words like a desolate lover in the waiting room..
The outcome is rarely what we want to hear..
Things are drastically so different now..
I wonder if we're still the same people..
I pray the answer is no, since that would make more sense..
If the answer is the opposite, it means we no longer care to show it..
Always prepared for the worst outcome..
That was always the safest way as a kid..
Everybody constantly forces the projection of their happiness onto us..
It really gets exhausting..
Where are the deep conversations?
Where we remove our ego and communicate, soul to soul..
Like humans were meant to..
The memories insult me as each day flies by..
Discovered the simplicity of forgetting instead of forgiving..
Trying rather than lying..
Letting the tears fall instead of holding them back..
We show more love to social media than we do to the people itself..
We judge every second we get the chance to..
We mastered the poker face of smiling even after we're broken..
Never knowing how to ask for help
You can ask me. It's okay..
As soon as you speak from the heart, everyone wants to ask if you're okay..
If something is wrong, are you depressed..
Why question the one speaking the truth 
And not the rest afraid to say it..
Our society as got so accustomed with questioning/blaming the victim..
Look at the rape culture,the drug abuse..the cops killing our people.
They take advantage of the weak and voiceless instead of providing love & support.
This has gone longer than it was meant.
But we like to watch things spiral out if control, don't we?
At least you know it's not perfect.
Nor photoshopped, it's real.
Back to the waiting room.
After waiting for what has seen to be an eternity.
I leave.
Never sure if we make it out alive.
I just got tired of...

Do Not Disturb..

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Time just became the hardest thing to spare,
You have to carefully choose the ones whose worth all the positive vibes you're willing to share.. 
These people will pick apart your greatest qualities and leave you with all their insecurities, Man I swear.. 
Used to run from the truth...but now that's all I wanna hear.. 
I've had to deal with too many people here that just need to disappear.. 
You act like you can't see what you've done, but I trust in karma to help make it clear.. 

You wanna waste time, but I don't have any time to waste.. 
Two things..
I'm still chasing my dreams & I only allow the most humble inside my space.. 
People like to act like it can't be done, be trust me you can be replaced.. 
Just thought you should know incase you end up losing your place.. 
Even with Amnesia and Alzheimer I have a couple real ones who can never be erased., 
Those are the ones who showed me that great things come at their own pace.. 
My angels in disguise, wishing Godspeed until I see your face.. 
Your dreams are the only thing in this world worth for you to chase.. 

Isabell still surprises me everyday, 
She's so lovely, I wish I could marry her again everyday, 
The only star I see throughout the entire day, 
If we're talking about hearts of gold, there's none better you can find, 
6 years of military service and she was worth all that time, 
I'll stand in the background, I just want to see her shine, 
So as long as we got each other we'll be fine.. 
We have everything we need so 'Do Not Disturb Us' or "Bitte nicht stören" 
Please respect the above line..

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Speedin Bullet 2 Heaven..

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It's not okay, it's never okay..

How they feel so empowered to just pick up their guns and take people's lives away

The media will say, whatever they feel they should say...

But more importantly we should try and focus on the ones who were silenced that day

All those lost lives, And for what reason..

They say to never lose hope in mankind, but I feel so close to not believing 

The hate will continue to eat us alive if we let it..

Imagine reading a text from someone you love saying "I'm gonna die" how could you possibly forget it?

With over a million questions speeding through our heads..

The most important thing for us to remember is to spread as much joy & happiness we can before we lay in bed

We have to remember, that in a couple weeks this won't even be a thing..

But to the families and to the community, this might have been everything

I try to imagine the screams, the cries, the terror..

To all the survivors this isn't just something on the news but something they will replay & relive forever

What's it going to take for us to just see each other as equals and start to work together?

It saddens me to know the answer to this question just might be never

They say we learn from our mistakes, but how many do we need to make?

I hope we can learn soon..

For all our sakes 

The saddest part is that this could happen to any of us, anywhere..

That line isn't suppose to instill fear..

But to do the total opposite and to remind us to cherish every moment..

And to make the best out of life while we're all still here

May our prayers reach everyone who is far and near

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Cassita..

It's like I lose someone close to me every year, death is a known concept, but still something we all fear

Now I have to bury my younger cousin,and now she'll never know Thanh was planning on proposing to her next year

We grew up together watching Rugrats & Dexter's Laboratory  

Now I have to live with the fact that now she's dead and I didn't visit her in 4 years,what a way to end our story.

And my tears don't even mean a thing,the pain is so real man...I don't even know where to begin

We're not suppose to have favorites, but she was my favorite cousin

More like a sister to me,..At one moment it feels like you have everything,now it feels like I have nothing.

Why'd she have to go

All the family members are asking how long has she been this sick,but no one knows

It's true the good ones go

When I found out you were on life support at the hospital..of course I wanted to go

Now it's too late, And now I live with the fact that we have to let you forever go

You were like the sister I never had, on the days I hated life...you helped showed me how to see the good with the bad.

These are the days I wish i didn't have to see,

We used to watch Power Rangers..just you and me

You were a better person than me

Now you smiling again is something I would never see

Now I can never see or hear your name

How the fuck am I suppose to live life the same

They took one of my favorite people,that shit will always be in my veins.

And this all happened so fast,we had so many plans for the future..but now all I can think about is the past

I don't even want to talk to God,sparing her life will be one of the last favors I'll ever ask

You were always an angel,but who knew you would take this path

I love you more than life itself, I never thought you would go so fast..

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25..

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In a couple of days I'll be 25, but the only thing that has been on my mind lately

is about all the ones who didn't make it to 25.

They will never know how it is being us ...tiptoeing around the racism just to stay alive

We gotta think twice about every action..we die getting choked out by the police while being arrested or being shot with our hands up with nothing to hide

I wish I could help all the family members who have cried

I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling, and believe me I've tried

They say I shouldn't worry about it, since everyone in my immediate family is okay

But if we all think that way,12 will always get their way

Holding onto everything before it all falls apart

I bet when one of us die today, the media will already be on the scene before the paramedic's vehicles even start

I gotta play happy & dumb sometimes, since when you woke they call you crazy

Still in the military, but not even that can overshadow the color of my skin, so not even that can save me

And there aren't any neutral sides..because when it all comes down to it..it's either us going to prison, or traumatized mentally..since we barely make it out alive

Which is why I'm not a big fan of history since the more I know..the more I hate it

They always mention Christopher Columbus, but none of the slaves who helped make it

And that's just the basis,

The truth is hard to swallow, ignorance is bliss, and most of their comments read "Obama is black How can America be racist?  "

Sometimes I scroll through my Facebook feed and see just how much they're misinformed

It's sad but I can't blame them though if hate & oppression is all they ever learned

I really don't think they could handle it, if the tables ever turned

They say all men are created equal, but it seems that doesn't apply to us since we are still protesting like human life is something that has to be earned
It's sad to see that the forced labor of my ancestors who built this country...that the love they should have received  will never be returned..

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Hold On,We're Going Home..

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And I just want to be home..

Home is where the heart is…and it seems ever since we started talking,with you is where my heart has grown

You came out of nowhere,an angel with no wings..I wonder how far you flown

For you to get to me,and for me to get to you

Sometimes I drift off and think about how all my decisions in life magically got me to you

Some thing won't ever be explained,Some questions won't ever be answered

It looks like with time, some prayers actually get answered..

Prayed for a girl like you..I don't really care what happens to the world if it doesn't include a happy you

A happy Isabell,is priceless thing to me

They say love is blind,but you do the exact opposite to me

With you I can see…

I see how great life can be

I see a beauty I have never seen

I see the twinkle in the stars

I see I'm the happiest I've ever been thus far

I see the girl of my dreams when I go to sleep

I see her face when I wake up and she's still asleep

I see the smile we put on each other's faces when we speak

I see how we take care of one another when we're weak

I see that you're the secret of happiness,one I failed to keep

I look forward to the day when I can hold your hand while your driving and say 'Hold On, We're Going Home'

A safe heaven we built together,with no ones help but our own…

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Where Do I Start..

So where do I start Bell..

Being with you is an indescribable feeling. A feeling people can only feel once felt..

Sometimes I might give you too many baby kisses..or shower you with tiny gifts..but that's how I show my love..and it's something I can't help

But you helped me in ways you may never know..only by showing all our flaws..can any of us really grow..

So I hope to grow with you..as long as we can

No matter the time length..I'm just happy I had the chance to be your man

I'm just writing from the heart..so I hope you can understand..

Faced with decisions..we are faced with so many every day

But at the end of it all..we still choose each other..and I wouldn't prefer it any other way

And you live a couple hours away..

But distance means nothing..when only when they are together..do our hearts feel okay..

I hope to help you reach to a place that's more than okay..a place where all your dreams come true..and that's scary since that might depend on

if you leave or stay… 

Leave or stay..

Who knows if Denmark will be better for you..life just gives us these cards we're dealt..so sometimes we have no choice but to play

And I'm playing for you..fuck it, I'll bet it all..bet it all for you

Donkeys,turtles & cats…almost forgot the moon..I know how much we love that

Then theres that tea..your yogurt & salt..these crazy things you like..will always be imprinted on my heart

But damn,where do I start Bell..

Where do we start..

Maybe with those three special words and I hate when we're apart..

They say your life doesn't truly begin..until you find the person whose broken pieces fit perfectly with your own dismantled heart..

"According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves." -Plato

For My Brother Chris..

No rest in peace will ever do, So I had to sit down & write this in memory of you..

And it's like fuck man, now you're really gone

You always were that big brother to be…who helped me move along

Would it be wrong..to say that this world did you wrong?

I know the type of person you were deep down inside..You were more than just strong

I wish I was there to maybe jump too or to hold you back…

Now I'm just thinking of you & Kevin..confused why they put us in a place where when you try to love..it doesn't love back

So numb inside…that I don't now how to react

Would give it all away..just to bring you back..

Bring you back to when we were kids..

From bunk-beds..to summer camp..You went through a lot..but you kept the darkness hid

Now it's all brought to the light..I don't care about the facts…I'm just hurting to know that you weren't alright

From Germany all the way to heaven..in my thoughts & poetry is where you always stay..

I tell myself this world wasn't good enough for you..and in my opinion that's how it will always stay..

You'll live forever,the memory of you will never die..

I still don't want to believe it..but sooner or later I'll eventually breakdown and cry..

And everyone is wondering why..

The truth is..we all know life sucks..there's no need for us to try to find a reason..or anything for us to justify

This doesn't change a thing..

No Chris,this doesn't change a thing..

I wish I had some pictures of us,but sadly they're all the wayback home..

We used to chill with John,Blake,Akram,Shelby,Trevor & Taylor..that will always be the fam..you loved to rep New York..but Houston always felt like home

Now I'm sitting in my place all alone..wondering what made you feel so alone

Man, if I would of known..

I bet everyone is secretly thinking to themselves if only I would of known..

That's the problem though..people only seem to care when it's too late

Why does it take someone to die,for all of our feelings to all of a sudden become awake..

I'm guilty too..I'm guilty too..

I had to isolate myself from everyone else..since I've made some bad decisions too

But this this isn't about me..this is suppose to be for you..

I'll make sure to help take care of little Mike.. and no matter what man..we will always still be proud of you..

It's crazy to know that we are the same age..

I just wish we were on the same chapter..same book..same page

I always feared of losing someone..while being so far away

But now that I think of it..no matter the distance..most of us are still so far away..

You have to treat each other like everyday is your last day..

Tell people you love them,send them flowers..don't wait until they pass away..

I don't really know how to end this Chris..so I'll probably secretly write a part 2.

Just know that we will always be brothers..And that I will always love you.

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Stay With Me (Who's Theme)

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And I'm still here..

Helplessly waiting for you..

Please don't abandon me..

Like the rest always do..

I might act invincible..and o' so brave..

But the truth is,

My biggest fear is dying unloved,alone in an unvisited grave

So stay with me..

Stay with me please..

With you the days don't feel so unbearable..

You seem to bring the joy out of me with ease..

I promise to do my best..

To the others,it seemed like the worse..

But sometimes we need a blessing in our lives..

To overcome the curse..

So stay with me..

Stay with me please..

I don't want to hurt anymore..

And you make all the pain seize..

Stay with me,I promise to stay true

I haven't met anyone worth all my love before…That was until I met someone like you..

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Bell..

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How do you still do this?

Even when you're not here..

How did you suddenly show me all the stars..

When all I saw before was pure darkness in the air..

How did you make all the happiness come by?

You went from the person I was the most nervous to even call on the phone..

To the person whom I hate to tell goodbye..

So you left today…

But a little of you stays with me all the time

We weren't searching for what we now have..

But that what's makes our love an even better find..

And when I'm with you..all communication with the rest of the world stops..

It's like heaven finds your location..and just suddenly drops..

Since everything is so heavenly with you,we always make plans of what we are going to do

But we barely make it out the door,since there's nothing better than cuddling with you..

Maybe this should be a private poem,but you're no longer a secret

I mean when you feel so strongly about someone..you should let the world feel it

Since all we ever see & talk about..is all the negative stuff on the news..

I'm not saying we should ignore those things..but love is the first thing I will choose

So I choose you,

I'll be waiting here for you to get back form your trip..and then we can do all the things you want to do

It's funny, people always say they want you to be happy,but they never want to see you in love..

I remember when I was a little boy,how I used to pray for God to send me an angel from above..

I'm not going to lie,after a while..I gave up and stopped believing 

I've lost so many people through and got you in return..so I guess life & I are now are finally even..

No matter where we are,we can always find our love in the sky

I'm going to love you so well,that all the other guys from the past are going to regret ever letting you slip by..

May all your dreams come true,

You have the chance to do everything you desire to do,

That everyday we're together feel new,

And in a year from now,we can look back and smile how much we grew..

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Be Free..

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So your gone..you're really gone..

I always thought you would live forever..I guess I was wrong..

I just hope & pray your spirit rests in the place where it belongs..

I can't drink or tattoo the pain away anymore..so I just pretend I'm 'normal' and play along

So what is it going to take for them to wake up..

All these unjustified murders just paint the face of the world so ugly..there's no covering it up..no make up

These killings of them,is killing me

"All we want to do is break the chains off,all we want to do is be free"

And it scary..to know that one day that could be being murdered on the tv

I have three little brothers..and I could only imagine the pain & hate that fills your soul after losing a part of your family

So my heart goes out to you..

When the people who are suppose to protect you are the murderers..what are you suppose to do?

And justice will never be served..

How many of our people have to die..until our cries are finally heard?

"Don't just stand around,don't just stand around"

How the hell do they expect us to carry on,after seeing our loved one bloody on the ground

And all of it has made me feel so uneasy..

Because loving each other should be so easy..

But they don't get it…no, they don't get it

But I bet if a cop gets shot,the news will never forget it

"Stop killing us"

Please stop killing us..

How many deaths is it going to take

Until they start hearing us?

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