Are You?

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We're all secretly searching for that one thing..for some, it's a person,for others it's just
anything
To fill this bleak emptiness we feel inside,but many of us disguise our sadness with a mask..because of our pride
But we have nothing to be ashamed of,no need to hide
We've all been alone girl,the important thing is..we continued..we survived
You've made it this far without him or her..
Soon enough you'll be better off without them,this phase will only be a blur
I've been to the bottom,all the way to the floor
A place where I didn't want to eat,or do any of the things I loved anymore
I would just listen to sad songs,and wish I didn't have to be alive no more..
But those feelings are long gone..
Now I scribble the words to my own song
I realized I was in control of my own happiness
All along...
Hopefully this will be a wake up call to you
Are you really going to let them take ...all your happiness away from you???

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Angel in my dream..

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I dreamt of you today..just a moment ago
The thing is..I have no idea who you are..we have never spoken before..never exchanged ‘hello’
I don't even know if you're even dead or alive..
But after feeling so dead before,you've know awoken something inside me…something I never knew was alive
How can this be?
I've never dreamt of you before..
Maybe I have..a thousand times before
With a dream so powerful..it makes you want to continue dreaming
I can hear fireworks outside my window now,little kids filled with excitement & joy,tons of music and joyful screaming,
But none of that is as loud as you..
How you echo throughout my soul..the way you do
I guess I’ll have to call this ‘Angel in my dream’
Until we meet again…reality vs fantasy.. we'll meet somewhere in between

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Just So..

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I wish you were here with me..as I'm about to take a nap..
Just to have you close to me..just so I can know you're okay
Just so I can turn around as many times as I desire to see your face
Just so I won't feel so alone 
Just so I can squeeze you
Just so I can please you
Just so I can hear your laugh again
Just so you can lay on my chest while I play with your hair
Just so this bed wouldn't feel so big & empty
Just so we could be close all day..
But just so isn't so easy..knowing we are so far away..

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Lost..

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It seems I've been here before..
Yeah I remember this place..
Where nothing feels right..
Where I always finish last place..
Why do I do it to myself?
Am I the one to blame?
I had to leave everything & everyone behind..by getting on that plane
But I just wanted to be high..
Higher than everybody else..
Now I'm just lower..
The lowest I've ever seen myself..
Every day's a struggle..
No, everyday's a disaster..
The say good things come to those who wait..
I've been waiting for 24 years..I guess it won't come any faster..
Don't pity me though..I've become friends with this sadness
It's the only love I know will always be there for me,some may see that as madness
Seeing things from your point of view..I probably would too
I just want to be someone you like,I hate that,but it's true
I just want to wake up different,somebody brand new
No matter how many poems I write..I still can't seem to get it right
The moon & stars are my only friends..They're always there for me at night..
I just woke up,I probably should start of my day in a better way..
Maybe I'll finally follow out my plans..and finally get away..

Don't try to understand me,many have failed in the past
The only way people will ever know what's wrong with me,is through the soundsofmywords or youhurtsowell, never when they ask
It's like everyday is Halloween,the way we all pretend to be somebody else..and hide behind these mask
I'm guilty too, yeah, I'm guilty too
I fall so love with my fantasies, even though I know they can never come true
I guess I'll keep writing..as long as BANKS is still singing..but I have her song 'Brain' on repeat..so it keeps going back to the beginning
And I wish I could go to...go back to when it all started
I wouldn't of let you kill yourself,that's probably when my madness all started
You were my best friend..and I wasn't there
You probably felt alone as I feel,like no one in the world cares
So I live on for you..you always liked guns and the military..funny how I ended up joining the Airforce too..
It's the 4th of July,but wtf are some fireworks going to do
Freedom isn't free,but I still sacrifice for you
So enjoy the time with your family & friends..I'll be here licking my wounds..trying to make amends

I guess I shouldn't end it like that,so bitter & so cold
Just don't take things for granted,hug that person if you have somebody to hold
I wish you the best,I really do
This is just another attempt to fight my demons,I'll be fine, this is nothing new
I take a deep breathe,and think maybe everything will be okay
I love you all, Namaste

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Don't Blink..

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Look her in her eyes..and tell her what you see
Even if it's only for tonight..make it as orgasmic as it can be..
She deserves to be touched in every kind of way..
No words are spoken..her heavy breathing,legs shaking & toes curling say everything they need to say
You pull her hair like no one has ever done before..
Everyday she was starting to feel a little less & less inside..but tonight she only wants more & more
For this moment..all the pain is gone
For this moment..nothing can go wrong
The words 'I love you are exchanged'
After tonight the sheets will have to be changed
Is it love that they're making..or is love out of the question
Scratches on his back..and hickeys on her neck..they're ready to go again & again, no hesitation

This is their only haven..away from it all
In a cruel,cruel world that's so big,they've only felt so small
But being together has changed that all
Yes their only night together has changed it all..
They don't care what happens next..
Constantly chasing the ghost called happiness is the destiny they accept
Pretending everything is okay..is a skill they've perfect

The sun has risen..and one of them have slipped away..
No note,no message..they've just gone away..
The other one sits there..thinks & thinks..
The pain is coming back..it sinks & sinks..
The smell of sex & regret..how it stinks..it stinks..
It's crazy how everything can change within a couple of blinks

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Since I Left..

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It's been a couple of days since I left...
After leaving everyone I love behind..what really do I have left
Rediscovered some things in you,that I've never seen in anyone else before
Made me regret leaving all together a couple days before

So right now I'm here alone
Got a new chapter in front of me,First it was England..now Germany will be my home
Everything's so different,with no contacts to call what's the point of getting a new phone
Been kinda distant from social media for a while,needed some time to return back to my comfort zone

Looking back at all the pictures we took
Thinking hard about my next move,because it will shape how my future will look
If you're not in it...I don't really see the point
Always trying my best to make you proud,I don't ever want to disappoint

After watching 'The Fault in Our Stars',We had a little fight
I saw you break down like never before,it must of been hard to pretend for 3 years that everything was alright
But I'm proud of you,after all you've been through..you still have hope
It's sad to say,but in this life when people see you need help..instead of giving you a hand..
they'll rather help you tie a noose and give you the rope
That makes me think about all the 'Blood on the leaves'
It's okay though,we'll use that rope to help tie up all the greatness we'll achieve
No matter about how much job interviews..they tell you 'Thank you for your time,you can leave'
The most important thing is to never give up,always believe
Everyone back home is so proud of me for being in the Air Force,but to be honest..I'm more proud of you
You live through that everyday struggle..you don't even have a car or cell phone..and everyday you take the bus to school
That's one of the reason why I choose to pour my heart out to you..
Just name that one thing..there isn't one thing I wouldn't do

I learned that in life...you'll probably hurt a few good ones..and break a couple hearts
I do my best to avoid doing that,but trying to make everyone happy will eventually rip you apart
They want you to go this way..and that way..but wait a minute..did anyone even ask...'What does your heart say?'
They probably didn't because they don't really care,you told me your ex is in jail..part of me wishes he will just stay in there
This is one of the reasons I could never own a gun,my emotions could get the best of me..and before I know..bullets are saying how much I care
So I'd rather go the next route..and help you get out
That's with everyone's approval or without
It's crazy how everything I'm writing is true
I didn't even plan to write anything new
I never hold back when I write
My mind is a dark place..only through writing does my true thoughts come to light
I'm so grateful my two best friends didn't die in that car crash..because if they did..I probably would never been alright
And you know who you are..make sure you always buckle up when you're in the car
I should probably end this..too much is coming out
Until the next time we meet...when you finally decide to fly out

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The Catch Up..

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And I've only been home for two days,
Took my family to the mall yesterday and told them pick up whatever they like,I'll pay
It feels so good to be able to do that
Back when I used to be a civilian I could never do that
Just trying to inspire my little brothers to do what's right
Told them there might be some murky days and bleak nights
But as long as you believe in you and strive for the best,everything will be alright
No more hate in my heart,so I'm more into teaching how to love than teaching how to fight
People keep comparing how different we are,when we really need to focus on how much we are alike
Tired of these random killings and acts of hate
Just how much more destruction can this world take?

We need to wake up,
Why does it feel like we're always in a race with love
Can we just catch up?
Or slow down
Even before the military...you were down
But I guess 3 years was too long,because now I'm back and  not a      s.....o.....u.....n.....d
A matter of fact,no one is really around
But what did I really expect?
The further you are away from someone,the harder the love is to accept
So say what you want,say what you may
But I still remember when I told you not to wait for me..funny how now I'm kinda regretting that day
I've met a couple good girls along the way
But I'm never sure what I want,and when I do figure it out..I have to move away
This military thing is a blessing and a curse
Knowing our love is gone forever,or not knowing love at all..which is worse?

It's about 9am back in England,but only 4am in Florida
People will take advantage of everything you're willing to give,and then ask more of ya
They won't see what you're worth until you're gone
Why does it seem like I'm the only one who thinks that's wrong?
I just want all my people to get along
We facetimed yesterday,while we were both in bed
Sometimes it feels like my heart always stayed with you even though the rest of me continued to move ahead

Damn, what's wrong with me
I don't hate certain people,I just wish they wouldn't bother me..

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“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
-F.Scott Fitzgerald