Chicago Freestyle

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Thinking what makes me...me 
And what makes you...you
I had more faith in people than I did for myself but that's no longer true
Looking at things from a different view
Trusting the old and very wary of the new
Will you do the things you're supposed to do?
Rarely ever hearing good news whenever I get calls out of the blue
Deeper than most, the ones watching over me would be proud how much I grew
If this all comes to an end and I gotta leave my airforce uniform behind
I have no regrets, I did all I had to do and helped as much as I could with my allotted time
Only with your eyes closed can you see the most real signs
Take a bullet for you? I would've been first in line
But people's agenda appear more clearly with time
Jealousy is deceptive and love is blind
Don't worry about it though, time eventually makes everything fine

Can't keep watering everyone else's garden and expect yours to grow
Sometimes it just takes letting a couple leeches go 
Who is bringing something to the table vs who is just for show
The darkness of my inner demons try to win every day but the good inside me continues to glow
Trying to figure out the secrets to success.... trying to keep all my goals in a row
Staying humble through the highs and being positive through the lows
Some will tell you what you want to hear but not everything they know
Trying to break through all my generational barriers, no time for me to go slow

Trying to stay in the present since the past memories seem better/worse than they were
Not sure what I expect, I just know it will be good
Isabell and I are always doing a lot more for people than we should
Doing our part and leaving out the rest
Anticipating every outcome since only our intuitions knows best
Entire family telling me not to stress
It's different for me though because I already have a long list of people I plan to bless
Grandma turns 90th this month and she says she still prays for me every day
We're both racing against the clock but in our on different way
Why do we rarely say what we really want to say?
I just hope you're really okay
We don't even process our emotions anymore, we just put on some sort of distraction and press play
Always hoping the person closest to us will stay
And when you choose to show them all the different versions of you...that they wont look away
Karma will eventually pay
Live your life in such a way, that your final replay will be okay

Golden Rule..

Heavy on the mind..
Weighing too much on the heart..
When there's so much unspoken history..
Where exactly should we start..
You're the better half of so many people..
Why is there always so much opposition for the ones who just want to be viewed as equal..

It's not your fault, the way you are..
And what I mean by that, is just how special you are..
People love to hate what they don't understand
They act like taking away their ability to do something is part of the plan..
You shouldn't feel as if you're a burden just because of your religious beliefs or if you're trans.
Why do they believe they have the power to say exactly what happens on our given land

Growing up all I heard about was the golden rule.. but I've rarely seen it exist
Put yourself in someone's else position..how would you feel if your choice of being accepted inside the armed forces didn't exist.
Ignorance is bliss..but that's only one side of the story
Ignorance is actually very painful if your on the other hand of privilege and what they call authority
You shouldn't be treated as a nuisance just because you're a minority
Understanding trans people isn't a burden, should be one of our priorities

Learning how to accept & grow from other people's differences should be a normal way of life..
Before you say something negative, look in the mirror and ask yourself does your response help worsen peoples chances...or help to make them right.

Beautiful Shame..

You reminisce on the days when time didn't just pass you by..

Your eyes have seen so much, it just keeps your heart wondering why..

No one wants to talk about the truth, so we're all just living a lie..

People don't understand the true meaning of missing someone until they pass away & you're forced to come to terms with a insufficient goodbye.

Learned to give up on certain people until they make the effort to try..

It seems sometimes we have to grow apart..

To grow together..

I know that's not always ideal..

But its better than sitting around waiting & wondering why..

You just wanna get high, I just wanna see us fly..

Fly above all the obstacles we weren't meant to get by..

Running out of options, what else is there for us to do..

Been believing you will prove us all wrong,but so far that hasn't been true..

It's the worst when you see something greater in someone,

But they're too blind to see it too..

Communication has been so thin,
It's like we no longer have anything to say..
Before we used to type so much those 3 little dots indicating someone is typing was always on display
Now all we see is 'message read' or 'seen' and we turn our phones away..
But I'm good accepting this is the way things were supposed to be..
It's been natural occurring thing to lose the people closest to me..
Learned through reading that no worldly possession ever truly belonged to me..

If we could go back in time..
Would things have ended this way..
The only regret I have in life..
Is not visiting her in the hospital..
Before they announced my favorite person passed away..
I think ever since that day I started to turn alot colder..
Maybe its a mix of that and simply just getting older..
Stopped doing everything for people,and learned to do things for myself..
Started removing anything or anyone toxic and discovered new ways to improve my mental & spiritual health..
A part of me is always hoping you would just break down & ask for my help..
That's a different story, for a different time..
I've written so many words,but there is still so much left on my mind..
I guess even after all these years, I still hate to see any one's heart get left behind..
You deserve to be loved too, I always had loyalty but finding real love was the hardest thing to find..

So many names I wish I could erase..
But everything has its time and its place..
After years of running, when you finally cant run anymore..
You'll start to see that no one is worth the chase..
Anyone who wants to be there, will be there..
And whoever doesn't, wont.
You don't need them as much as you think you do..
The only person you really need will always be the person staring right back at you..

And Isabell is always staring right back at me..
We use each others eyes & hearts to see the things we cant individually see..
It's funny how people start to switch up once they see your on the road to finally being happy..
I don't let it phase me though.. I know its all just a game..
They all want to compete because they want to feel the same..
I wish them the best.. I truly do..
People will do whatever it takes to get your attention..
When deep down they just want to be like you..

We're all just as much different, as we are the same
Always yearning to be loved, figuring out a way to numb the pain
One things for sure though, if I ever gave you a piece of me
You'll always feel a rush of emotions when you hear my name
It seems most of us are better as strangers than we were as friends
Such a beautiful shame..

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Thoughts From A Different View...

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Yearning for your words like a desolate lover in the waiting room..
The outcome is rarely what we want to hear..
Things are drastically so different now..
I wonder if we're still the same people..
I pray the answer is no, since that would make more sense..
If the answer is the opposite, it means we no longer care to show it..
Always prepared for the worst outcome..
That was always the safest way as a kid..
Everybody constantly forces the projection of their happiness onto us..
It really gets exhausting..
Where are the deep conversations?
Where we remove our ego and communicate, soul to soul..
Like humans were meant to..
The memories insult me as each day flies by..
Discovered the simplicity of forgetting instead of forgiving..
Trying rather than lying..
Letting the tears fall instead of holding them back..
We show more love to social media than we do to the people itself..
We judge every second we get the chance to..
We mastered the poker face of smiling even after we're broken..
Never knowing how to ask for help
You can ask me. It's okay..
As soon as you speak from the heart, everyone wants to ask if you're okay..
If something is wrong, are you depressed..
Why question the one speaking the truth 
And not the rest afraid to say it..
Our society as got so accustomed with questioning/blaming the victim..
Look at the rape culture,the drug abuse..the cops killing our people.
They take advantage of the weak and voiceless instead of providing love & support.
This has gone longer than it was meant.
But we like to watch things spiral out if control, don't we?
At least you know it's not perfect.
Nor photoshopped, it's real.
Back to the waiting room.
After waiting for what has seen to be an eternity.
I leave.
Never sure if we make it out alive.
I just got tired of...

Do Not Disturb..

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Time just became the hardest thing to spare,
You have to carefully choose the ones whose worth all the positive vibes you're willing to share.. 
These people will pick apart your greatest qualities and leave you with all their insecurities, Man I swear.. 
Used to run from the truth...but now that's all I wanna hear.. 
I've had to deal with too many people here that just need to disappear.. 
You act like you can't see what you've done, but I trust in karma to help make it clear.. 

You wanna waste time, but I don't have any time to waste.. 
Two things..
I'm still chasing my dreams & I only allow the most humble inside my space.. 
People like to act like it can't be done, be trust me you can be replaced.. 
Just thought you should know incase you end up losing your place.. 
Even with Amnesia and Alzheimer I have a couple real ones who can never be erased., 
Those are the ones who showed me that great things come at their own pace.. 
My angels in disguise, wishing Godspeed until I see your face.. 
Your dreams are the only thing in this world worth for you to chase.. 

Isabell still surprises me everyday, 
She's so lovely, I wish I could marry her again everyday, 
The only star I see throughout the entire day, 
If we're talking about hearts of gold, there's none better you can find, 
6 years of military service and she was worth all that time, 
I'll stand in the background, I just want to see her shine, 
So as long as we got each other we'll be fine.. 
We have everything we need so 'Do Not Disturb Us' or "Bitte nicht stören" 
Please respect the above line..

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Speedin Bullet 2 Heaven..

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It's not okay, it's never okay..

How they feel so empowered to just pick up their guns and take people's lives away

The media will say, whatever they feel they should say...

But more importantly we should try and focus on the ones who were silenced that day

All those lost lives, And for what reason..

They say to never lose hope in mankind, but I feel so close to not believing 

The hate will continue to eat us alive if we let it..

Imagine reading a text from someone you love saying "I'm gonna die" how could you possibly forget it?

With over a million questions speeding through our heads..

The most important thing for us to remember is to spread as much joy & happiness we can before we lay in bed

We have to remember, that in a couple weeks this won't even be a thing..

But to the families and to the community, this might have been everything

I try to imagine the screams, the cries, the terror..

To all the survivors this isn't just something on the news but something they will replay & relive forever

What's it going to take for us to just see each other as equals and start to work together?

It saddens me to know the answer to this question just might be never

They say we learn from our mistakes, but how many do we need to make?

I hope we can learn soon..

For all our sakes 

The saddest part is that this could happen to any of us, anywhere..

That line isn't suppose to instill fear..

But to do the total opposite and to remind us to cherish every moment..

And to make the best out of life while we're all still here

May our prayers reach everyone who is far and near

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Cassita..

It's like I lose someone close to me every year, death is a known concept, but still something we all fear

Now I have to bury my younger cousin,and now she'll never know Thanh was planning on proposing to her next year

We grew up together watching Rugrats & Dexter's Laboratory  

Now I have to live with the fact that now she's dead and I didn't visit her in 4 years,what a way to end our story.

And my tears don't even mean a thing,the pain is so real man...I don't even know where to begin

We're not suppose to have favorites, but she was my favorite cousin

More like a sister to me,..At one moment it feels like you have everything,now it feels like I have nothing.

Why'd she have to go

All the family members are asking how long has she been this sick,but no one knows

It's true the good ones go

When I found out you were on life support at the hospital..of course I wanted to go

Now it's too late, And now I live with the fact that we have to let you forever go

You were like the sister I never had, on the days I hated life...you helped showed me how to see the good with the bad.

These are the days I wish i didn't have to see,

We used to watch Power Rangers..just you and me

You were a better person than me

Now you smiling again is something I would never see

Now I can never see or hear your name

How the fuck am I suppose to live life the same

They took one of my favorite people,that shit will always be in my veins.

And this all happened so fast,we had so many plans for the future..but now all I can think about is the past

I don't even want to talk to God,sparing her life will be one of the last favors I'll ever ask

You were always an angel,but who knew you would take this path

I love you more than life itself, I never thought you would go so fast..

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